what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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