i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
