I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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