I'm so fucking centered right now
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
