I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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