Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
