dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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