tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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