last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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