I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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