3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize