my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
