I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
