I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
