That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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