I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
