I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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