We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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