if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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