you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
