Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
