You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
