Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
