i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
