just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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