The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
