sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
