just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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