I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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