Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
