I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
