Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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