i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
