I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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