This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Ladies don't puke and tell
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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