The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
