My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
