I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
