You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
