your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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