Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
