Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
