i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
