Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
