I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.