Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
