Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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