meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
