when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
