Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
