WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
