So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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