Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
